The Rise and Fall of my SimLab
As I mentioned quite a few times during the past four months, I experienced a series of devastating events that shook my world. With Ralf's (day-to-day) unpredictable health issues, becoming a caretaker after Karl-Heinz' stroke, my mom's struggles, my own struggles under the constant stress, the freaking pandemic … the SimLab gave me a new sense of purpose. It became my "happy place", where I was able to create something positive, something I had some control over and could make a difference - until it was taken away by someone I not only invited into my world, but whom i trusted.
I am now ready to reflect on it, but I will not go into a detailed rant. I am just grateful that I found a solution, but I admit, this was a hard life-lesson I had to learn. I guess what made this experience so much more devastating was the fact that I poured my entire heart into this place.
When I received the keys to the SimLab back in June of 2020, I had no idea where this opportunity would lead me. I can proudly say that I built this amazing resource for clinical staff to practice a variety of skills in a safe, efficient, and innovative environment that wasn’t available before. I loved my SimLab, and I loved witnessing the impact it had on staff and patient outcome. I loved the autonomy and trust that I received by my then-supervisor to transform simulation-based education at my hospital and dabble in the wonderful world of innovation. In fact, this video was taken by the Innovation Specialist and later featured as a SimLab Quality Improvement Project (for which I won an 5S award for):
After all the great outcomes I produced and all the praise I received from leadership, I never thought this could all go away overnight – until it did.
Let’s make a long story short(er): as the SimLab expanded and gained momentum, I realized that I needed help. My vision was to build an interprofessional team that included an MD and a Sim Tech, maybe even another simulation educator down the line. Since I really clicked with this MD during the development of an interprofessional airway course in late 2020, I decided to mentor and include her in the wonderful world of healthcare simulation. We were such a great team with a joint vision and ambition – or so I thought. I have no idea why I didn’t see it coming, no red flags, nothing! But I guess when you create something shiny and valuable, the predators will come, which was a lesson I was about to learn.
And that is how I see her now (hindsight 20/20): a predator who used me and my friendship to gain a huge promotion based on my work. After her “hostile takeover”, she tried to break me by taking away everything that was dear to me. And let there be no mistake. She knew exactly what she was doing and kept me in the dark until it was too late.
When the day came where this MD was supposed to join the team as equal counterpart, she finally revealed her true intentions during the introduction staff meeting. Just like that, without a warning. She became the new Chief of Simulation and assumed “ownership” of the SimLab and all operations. My autonomy, decision-making skills, and my ability to collaborate with vendors or any outside parties were revoked, along with our friendship. Apparently, my immediate leadership decided that it was time to create a new section for simulation within the department, and that an MD had to be in charge, not a nurse. I guess it was an “immoral offer” that this MD couldn’t resist. Gaining power, recognition, and an enormous promotion from clinical staff to Section Chief without having to do any of the work is a pretty sweet deal.
But what made this even worse: she took everything she learned through and about me and used it against me. She bullied me, tormented me with “it came to my attention” emails, and locked away all electronics that I needed to run simulations, requiring me to ask for permission every time I needed something. She prohibited me to collaborate with any outside stakeholders, especially if they were associated with national programs. I wasn’t allowed to initiate any projects anymore, appointing herself as the sole point of contact, while cutting me completely out.
When I tried to escape through a detail to the Innovation Department, she twisted some inside knowledge, which she gained through me, in such a way that it actually shut down an entire section of innovation within the facility for a while. No way out. And there is so much more that happened, the many ways she tried to break me; I have an entire binder full of evidence. But leadership decided to look the other way – I was completely on my own.
I realized that I have lost my precious SimLab. My mental and physical health took quite a beating, leaving me with insomnia, anxiety, and chest pain. That is when I decided that it was time to let go and leave it all behind. And as it turned out, losing the SimLab in such a cruel, painful manner finally caused me to look outside this organization, which had been my professional home for the past eight years.
Here is a motto that has proven to be so true:
When I finally accepted “what is”, I was ready to turn the page. Timing was just right when the National Simulation Center (SimLEARN) posted an RN position in late Fall of 2021. I actually completed a simulation residency at SimLEARN back in 2019, where I was able to build many relationships and connections, so joining the national VHA system turned out to be a natural progression. After lots of uncertainty and unexpected turns, I ended up accepting a new position as Simulation Educator with SimLEARN, which is ironically the national recognition that the MD has been after so desperately.
I am proud to say that despite the pain and suffering I had been through because of this, I still gave my full effort to give staff the best simulation-based activities whenever I was able to…
I would lie if I said that I didn’t enjoy the moment when I broke the news to the MD. At that time, she must have believed that she finally broke me, since I kept my head down and just complied with her (often ridiculous) orders. I just got my start date for February 28th, which was for less than two weeks away, when I told her face to face.
She didn’t say much but it was pretty obvious that she wasn’t pleased. Too bad, so sad. Now she had to find someone else who was competent in healthcare simulation and would do her work. The final days were pretty nasty, but I had my eyes on the prize and made it through in one piece.
I actually got lots of kudos and even a farewell “party” from my peers, which was very humbling. Then my last day arrived, and it was bitter-sweet when I logged out of my computer for the last time, exchanging my office space in the SimLab with my home office. Yes, I now get to work a lot from home – just one of the perks that came with my transition to National. New page, new chapter.
